My dream was that someone I cared about very much in the past had died.
See, not a very happy dream.
A lot of the dream is fuzzy, the way that dreams sometimes feel like after you wake up. But I remember going into the memorial/funeral service, where the dark gray coffin (closed) was placed at the front of a crowded chapel. Having been raised Catholic, I performed the sign of the cross as I stood in the center aisle, yards away from the coffin - not wanting to get too close. After this small gesture, I moved to sit in the middle of a pew, waiting for the service to start.
As I sat, waiting, I was not aware of anyone else at the service, just focused on the gray box up front, feeling a numbness and removed from the scene playing out around me. The memorial began, then immediately changed to a darkened room, where a movie was presented to commemorate my friend's life.
The professionally done movie (one of his brothers dabbled in film making) flashed on the screen with a childhood school photo of my friend grinning and the opening bars of The Beatles song "Hello, Goodbye" as the soundtrack.
Suddenly, I became aware of being squashed against the side of my chair - you know, where someone tries to share your chair, even though there isn't enough room, but you do it anyway because you want to be close to each other. I couldn't see a face due to the darkness, nor could I make out anything but a shape. Then a hand reached for my right hand. The hand was enveloped in a thin blanket, a blanket that covered the shape sharing my chair. I realized it was HIS hand, grasping mine, intertwining our fingers like we used to when we walked along together. A calmness flooded through me, comforting me in my grief. This was his way of telling me he was here, and I relaxed a bit against his presence, knowing he was with me.
I don't recall anything that happened after that. But feeling a person with you so vividly...it almost made me cry in my sleep. I haven't seen him in years - at least 10-12 years since our last encounter. And we've had minimal contact (i.e. email) since then. But one thing we shared when we were together: a sense of everything in the world being where it should be. It was one of the happiest times in my life - and his too, I'm sure. Our lives took different directions, as life does when you are young, so we parted.
But I've never forgotten the guy who made me feel so alive, so right, so comforted. He wasn't my first love, but he definitely was the first guy that I ever considered spending the rest of my life with. And for that, he will always hold a special part of my heart.
Earlier this year, I captured a memory of this special person in a scrapbook layout:
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| Missing You Forever by cyranoscrap Credits: Created with Forever Missed by ninigoesdigi |
And THAT is why I scrapbook.
